An Apology From My Mind to My Body

You know I don’t tell you “I love you” enough. Instead, I’ve terrified you of mirrors and compliments.

I’ve covered you up, done you up, and shut you up until you believed that you weren’t quite you without a mask.

I’ve lied to you

And I’ve listened more to the words of others

Before I took a good long look at you

And decided to love all of you.

I should’ve been the one reminding you that who you are is ok.

Instead I was your main assailant.

I was the one who most terrified you.

I was your worst enemy.

I should’ve treated you more

Valued you more

And said way more than I ever did.

And here’s why.

 

I cannot speak without you.

I need the mountains and valleys of your mouth

to form the sentences that I’ve never been equipped to convey.

I need your laugh, your cry, your scream.

I need you to say

“It will all be alright.”

 

I cannot walk without you.

I need your strong legs to carry me through the day

To take us to places we’ve never been

And venture into the great unknown

I need your steps so I can look back and shout

“Look at how far we’ve come!”

 

I cannot see without you

You help me to perceive and re-perceive

Oh, how many times I get it wrong

And I ask you again, just one more look

The sunsets would be colorless

The stars would lack their shine

I wouldn’t know the face of beauty

Without you

 

I cannot hear without you

Though I’ve covered you up time and time again,

I’m unstuffing these ears of yours

So that if you get the chance,

You can hear about the good things in this broken world

And maybe begin to heal

Without you, I cannot listen and cannot begin to understand.

 

I cannot reach without you

And oh, I love your arms

You never ceased to reach for those who needed you

Even when I tried to dissuade.

You pull the broken close

And hold up the sky

For those whose dreams simply must carry on below.

 

I can’t breathe without you.

I love the way you toss your hair.

When your eyelashes bat, the world swoons.

Your smile is my smile.

Your laugh is my laugh.

Your sob is mine too,

And my heart belongs to you.

 

And I love your heart.

It’s just so brave.

The reason we’ve made it this far

Is because it is so courageous.

It has braved my insults.

It has loved in spite of pain.

Though it has staggered under the weight of this world

It has never quite fallen.

It’s like a wave

Its compassion doesn’t relent

No matter who and what and how and how many

Try to dry its waters

The tide of you comes in

Just when we need it most

And you love, oh how you love.

 

You see,

I’m so sorry

I’ll probably never stop saying it

I must’ve prided myself in my intelligence so much

That I thought you away.

I am learning to be content

With your exactness–

Your exact perfection and imperfection.

You never failed me

You never quite gave up.

So thank you for carrying on,

When I was determined to beat you down.

I am sorry, my dear.

I am so, so sorry.

I love you, and I can’t do this life without you.